Skud is catching up on business correspondance

[commodorified]

skud: I have a glass of bourbon which is nearly empty, and a google doc in which I am writing myself a recommendation letter.
commodorified: Don't forget to remove any sentences containing the words Acquitted, Squids, or Frottage
skud: already removed them.

Which reminded me that, as I am somewhat ill and in need of amusement, it's time for word games, specifically for a round of:

Action Verbs To Avoid When Writing Your CV

I'll start:

Defenestrate
Abscond
Strafe

Comments

[parhelion]

Desiccate
Decapitate
Erode
Torment
Ooze
Flail
Compost

[vass]

All examples below are unless the verb was an actual job requirement.

Zhuzh
Mother
Insinuate
Fondle
Caress
Formicate (yes, with an M. Trust me, it's worse this way.)
Tweet
Protect (just picture it on the resume of a person who has never had a job involving security on any level)
Tenderise
Calm (in exactly the right circumstances, I think this could be the most frightening verb possible. 'Pacify' would be more overt, but therefore less sinister.)

And if I could think of a verb for prophylactic, that would be there too.

Edited because I thought of another one: try. Just picture 'tried to' before every other verb in the resume.

[azurelunatic]

The very thought makes me antsy.

EXTERMINATE.

[luthe]

Sneeze
Plagiarize
Misspell
Enthrall
Resurrect (unless you are divine)
Wreck
Ejaculate
Purge
Vomit
Nap

[ironphoenix]

Regurgitate
Stall
Equivocate
Excrete
Waste
Harass
Obstruct
Inflict
Degrade
Recidivate

On the subject of "harass"

[pne]

Fondle
Palpate
Grope
Pinch
Stalk
Leer
Stare
Ogle

Re: On the subject of "harass"

[azurelunatic]

Flash.

[redbird]

undermine
erect
implode
disavow
confess
dismantle
sever

[eleanorjane]

Moisten (unless you had a job sticking stamps on things)
Right-size (the new, less-brutal-sounding 'down-size')
Fluoresce
Emit
Extirpate
Dither
Oxidise
Confuse

and for bonus points:
Embiggen

[toft]

Thrust! Gouge!

[forthwritten]

Court-martial
Bury
Rebel

[brownbetty]

Implicate, plea-bargained

Spouse-Creature points out that many of these are perfect if you have a porn star or enforcer CV.

[cadenzamuse]

Falsify.
Impersonate.
Pretend.
Ejaculate.
Lubricate.
Strangle.
Annoy.
Stalk.
Weep.
Resurrect.
Ensorcel.
Enslave.
Fetishize.
Perjure.
Smash.
Sniff.
Soil.
Tangle.
Poison.
Pillage.
Plunder.
Rape.
Blunder.
Ravage.
Behead.
Engorge.
Emasculate.
Castrate.
Intimidate.

Re: Spouse-Creature points out that many of these are perfect if you have a porn star or enforcer CV

[cadenzamuse]

Launder [money].
Frame.
Inhabit.
Brainwash.
Possess [demonically].

[pauamma]

Marry (as in, "Married 3 children", which I saw in an actual resume)

[inoru_no_hoshi]

Oh deeeeeear!

[james_g4clf]

Subaqueate

[metaphortunate]

Quibble.

Rant (this one is especially bad if you are applying for any sort of supervillain job, as it basically says you will be the asshole who gets everyone killed while monologuing)

[highlander_ii]

Mostly I just want to say that 'Defenestrate' is one of my favorite words. =)

However:

Strangle
Confiscate (unless applicable to the position applied for)
Thieve
Pilfer
Flim-flam
Double-deal
Violate
Ransack
Sneak
Filch
Scam
Pick-pocket

and about half of those came straight out of the theme song to WITWICS

[pne]

Embezzle
Do off with
Divert
Swindle
Defraud
Evict
Squat
Absquatulate